emotional release

I started this blog so I wouldn't kill my husband's ears with all the emotions I go through each day. This week has been a hard one, and I've clammed up. I am extremely on edge and trying to take a day at a time, but having a hard time finding that strength.

Sunday started with a good ol' meeting at church in which I had to leave early to practice for that morning's worship. There was a deaconess meeting in the sanctuary (where I practice) that I walked into, so I apologized. A lady who doesn't like me and I don't care for her said that they had the sanctuary till 10, but I said that every Sunday (for the past 5 yrs) that I play worship, I'm here at 930. She was not happy and that threw my entire morning.

Monday was a full day of classes in which one was putting a project together with 9 ppl in 20 min to present on Thur. I was stressed and asked ppl to email me so I would know what to present. No one did.

Tues was my first clinical. I was so excited about hospice care, but the RN doesn't give care. It's terrible. They have to sit behind a laptop and ask a bunch of questions. There is hardly any hands-on care.

Wed was my only GOOD day. I was at a "rapid response" symposium that I enjoyed so much! I'll be able to use that info forever in nursing care! I unfortunately ended the night with the movie "88 minutes". I was terrified. I forget that I hate thrillers, even though it's not a scary movie, I hate those shows. Dan was great at comforting me.

That brings us to today. I biked to school and we had to give our presentation. Everyone had their material, but were quickly putting it on the poster and I was unable to review any of it. I was a bit nervous and told people that I may need their help. A couple of them were like, "well, what do you need?" I said, "I don't know, I haven't been able to look at the material, but I may need you to fill in the gaps." After going back and forth about this, one girl told me that I needed to calm down and that it wasn't a big deal. I agreed and told her that I was just asking for help. UGGGHHH! I hate group projects with people who don't give a damn.

Weight on my shoulders:
I don't know what the future holds.
-why do I feel so selfish about wanting to practice nursing?
-I want to support Dan, but do not want to "sit" in Spain for 9 months.
-I don't want to be away from Dan, but I want to be a nurse so badly!
-should I apply for jobs?
-what will I do in Spain for 9 months with a language barrier, no insurance, no money, etc.?