time goes by...so quickly

Projects, papers and my hospice work are getting me flustered. Most days I feel as if my time is being taken up by crazy details of life...especially by sleep!

Planning the details of Spain is crazy too:

-finishing school and passing the NCLEX
-completing my fafsa
-getting money for grad school
-studying/taking the GRE
-starting Master's class this summer
-applying for jobs in Mérida

My mind is just getting a bit burnt out, but I am thankful for all the opportunities!

I am ready to be done with hospice home care. I don't do any care. I just take a blood pressure and pulse while the nurse spends HOURS behind a computer while I just try to chit chat with the patient. I love hands-on care, so working in a patient's home is not my first choice. 11 hour days of just sitting there does not prove that I got my bachelors in nursing nor prove that I have any knowledge of the nursing practice.

Oh well...it will soon be another chapter of my life.

CA free

My mother-in-law's second surgery was clear! No cancer in the tongue or the lymph nodes!!!! This is a big deal! Thank you God!

I had my first productive day in a long time. This year I've been shutting down at 4 or 5pm. Today I started early and stayed focused until 6pm. That's pretty good if you consider I only have 6 wks of school left.

I was hoping to get more work done, but I've been browsing facebook for the past 30 min, so that might not happen.

last quarter

Today is Earth Day and gas is $3.59. I drove over 70 miles to do my hospice work. How crappy! I never drive and here I polluted the air and emptied my pockets for almost nothing. The hospice things is really not my calling.

I've mentioned that I'm in my last quarter, and it is so beautiful outside. This was suppose to be an easy quarter, but now I'm getting overwhelmed. May I just mention that projects suck!

My last post was about my mom and mother-in-law helping me figure out why I was so angry about going to Spain. I realized I was afraid to be alone. God really helped me with this and the funny thing, is that Dan got accepted for the Fulbright yesterday. I laughed because if it had been a week ago, I would have been angry.

We'll see what I can do there. I'm still timid, but hopefully I'll learn Spanish and find something so I'm not just sitting around all day for 9 months.

Well...my thoughts are scattered...nothing unusual...must go study!

My Mom!

Talking to my mom was the best thing that happened in a long time. She finally made me realize that I was so hesitant about Spain because I'm afraid of being lonely. Well, I started bawling after that statement and realized it is quite true. I love to socialize and feel lonely in Cincinnati after 5 years, imagine going to a country for 9 months were you can't understand anyone and they can't understand you. Now that I know where my worries are, I think it will be easier for me to start thinking more positively.

Really, I just need to pray about where God wants us and believe that He'll place me in the right place. I've been so frustrated with Him lately that I can't pray without getting upset.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE:
My best friend is an atheist and hates Christianity. She is fine with me and leaves me alone, but something has been going on lately because she is saying the most terrible things about Christians. I'm not offended because I know she gets annoyed easily, but recently she posted on her facebook a pic of a Bible with a warning label on it. I find it is insensitive, since I'm a very close friend. I find it to be quite ignorant, since she's never read a passage from it. I find it terribly sad that she is so angry because people have either acted stupidly in the name of Christ or because God annoys her and she is "too smart and strong" for any belief system. Good thing I don't have to defend God.

emotional release

I started this blog so I wouldn't kill my husband's ears with all the emotions I go through each day. This week has been a hard one, and I've clammed up. I am extremely on edge and trying to take a day at a time, but having a hard time finding that strength.

Sunday started with a good ol' meeting at church in which I had to leave early to practice for that morning's worship. There was a deaconess meeting in the sanctuary (where I practice) that I walked into, so I apologized. A lady who doesn't like me and I don't care for her said that they had the sanctuary till 10, but I said that every Sunday (for the past 5 yrs) that I play worship, I'm here at 930. She was not happy and that threw my entire morning.

Monday was a full day of classes in which one was putting a project together with 9 ppl in 20 min to present on Thur. I was stressed and asked ppl to email me so I would know what to present. No one did.

Tues was my first clinical. I was so excited about hospice care, but the RN doesn't give care. It's terrible. They have to sit behind a laptop and ask a bunch of questions. There is hardly any hands-on care.

Wed was my only GOOD day. I was at a "rapid response" symposium that I enjoyed so much! I'll be able to use that info forever in nursing care! I unfortunately ended the night with the movie "88 minutes". I was terrified. I forget that I hate thrillers, even though it's not a scary movie, I hate those shows. Dan was great at comforting me.

That brings us to today. I biked to school and we had to give our presentation. Everyone had their material, but were quickly putting it on the poster and I was unable to review any of it. I was a bit nervous and told people that I may need their help. A couple of them were like, "well, what do you need?" I said, "I don't know, I haven't been able to look at the material, but I may need you to fill in the gaps." After going back and forth about this, one girl told me that I needed to calm down and that it wasn't a big deal. I agreed and told her that I was just asking for help. UGGGHHH! I hate group projects with people who don't give a damn.

Weight on my shoulders:
I don't know what the future holds.
-why do I feel so selfish about wanting to practice nursing?
-I want to support Dan, but do not want to "sit" in Spain for 9 months.
-I don't want to be away from Dan, but I want to be a nurse so badly!
-should I apply for jobs?
-what will I do in Spain for 9 months with a language barrier, no insurance, no money, etc.?

was I right or was I right?

DELETED CONTENT!!! ...I was about to tell her to settle down because it wasn't a big deal, but that would have really caused the volcano to blow, so I was proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut. That's quite an accomplishment for me :)

No news on Dan's mom. Lots of people are still sharing their concern which is very nice!

It's suppose to be 75 degrees today with scattered t-storms. It really has been scattered. Thunder/lightening and then bright sunshine are alternating every few minutes...it's very neat.

Come Together

Dan's mom just came out of surgery and the doctor was pleased. Dan set the alarm for 230am to get up and pray for her because she's in Portugal and the surgery started 8am her time.

My mother-in-law was humbled by all the people who are praying for her. I know that she has been fulfilling her life's purpose and God's will most of her life. I wouldn't even begin to know the thousands of people she has touched with her life, and now some of those and some who don't know her are praying for her healing.

I think it takes a lot for someone to pray for another that they don't know. I have a hard enough time praying for all the people who I really want to pray for, but then add a stranger to that mix and it can become a chore. A lot of people that know me are praying for her and I'm so thankful for them extending that time. God is really touching others and is being glorified in the situation.

The next time I hear about someone who I don't know who needs prayer, I won't look at it as such a "chore".

Thank you all for your prayers! I covet them and need them! God is quite amazing even though I disagree with His process a lot.

A Daily Prayer for Freedom

The weather is still quite nice! Unfortunately, I've had a hard time staying motivated with school work. God has been making me laugh a lot. Take this scenario:

DELETED CONTENT!!!

My mother-in-law goes to the hospital today to prepare for her surgery tomorrow. I would appreciate you keeping her in your prayers. One of my favorites is John and Stasi Eldredge's prayer, "The Daily Prayer for Freedom"! I hope you enjoy it!

Beautiful Day

I heard it was going to be in the 70s today. I finally biked to school! It's so necessary because I'm starting to notice the insulation that has stored this past winter. It's easy to not notice it when wearing thick winter clothes, but as soon as shorts and T-shirts are worn I think, "whoa, where did that fat come from?"

Our car thermometer said it was 80 and I was actually quite warm. It was beautiful and the flowers and trees are in full bloom!

Oral CA

The more people I ask to pray for my mother-in-law, the more people I find that are related to someone who had oral cancer. I'm surprised about how common it is.

Beth will have the surgery on Thursday. I think it's starting to sink in a bit about this being quite serious. I wish I could be there with her, but thankfully I know with all certainty, that God is in control and the only thing (and the best thing) that I can do is pray.

My mother-in-law is an amazing woman. Lord, I ask that You would give her peace and rest during this trying time.

personality

One of my friends just posted her Myers-Briggs personality. I know that I have taken it before, but I couldn't remember what I was. I took it and I am an ENFJ. I actually think I fit right into this category, unlike other tests that I've taken and have felt as if I'm spread over many categories.

I am an only child (technically). I have two older step-brothers and two younger half-brothers, but I grew up pretty much as an only child. What does that mean? I'm messed up! ha ha. Really, if you look at birth order personality info, you'll find that I am a combination of first born and baby which makes for an interesting combination!

My best friend is an only child as well, and I laugh at how we are a crazy mix. She's an INTJ. We are half the same and half different :) I guess just because you are an only child, you can still have different personalities. We for sure do and probably like each other due to our differences.

I am curious about what Dan is. I'll have to have him take the test. I am sure he is the exact opposite of me. I think I agree that opposites attract!

Mother-in-law

I can't believe I just wrote about my in-laws and now have more news to report. My mom-in-law had the tongue surgery last week to remove a growth that's been there for a few years. She went in for a check-up today to get her stitches removed (it's also their 32nd wedding anniversary). The biopsy shows that the growth was cancerous, so she is going back to have surgery this weekend.

There are the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I know that I'm in the denial stage. It's weird to believe that my mom-in-law had/has cancer. My grandfather died from mouth cancer, but was a tobacco chewer. It was very painful to see him going through radiation and surgeries, but it had spread.

At this point, everyone is positive. The MD thinks they got it all and will remove a safety portion this weekend. My mom-in-law will spend around 6 night in the hospital and possibly go through radiation.

I'm trying to be sensitive to Dan. He is so strong, but I fall into my nursing mode, like I was talking to any patient, and it comes out caring, but distant at the same time.

Fortunately, we are believers. There isn't much you can do when you're an ocean apart except pray. Worrying doesn't get you anywhere. My mother-in-law wrote a very encouraging email to us, and the only thing I wish I could do is write one back. I found myself writing, "I love you so much! I'm praying for you!" I find that to be pretty weak, but that is all I have at this moment.

Great In-Laws

Dan and I are going on 5 yrs of marriage this June. It has flown by! Before I was married, I spent 6 months with my future in-laws in Portugal. It was amazing to be in the presence of such amazing, godly people! Throughout our marriage, they have been very far away, and yet so close to my heart. They are missionaries and we do not talk very often, but we pray for one another constantly.

Recently my mother-in-law had surgery on her tongue, so I have been emailing daily and checking on her. She seems to be doing well, but I miss her terribly. Today my father-in-law wrote the most encouraging note about my time ending at UC and the positive impact I must have been with my time here. Yeah right...

I wish I could say that I was as dynamic with people as I used to be. I now find myself with the most negative attitude, a disdain for Cincinnati, and general unhappiness, even though I am really not unhappy, I am just unsettled.

Dan and I have spent these 5 yrs roaming about. We have been in school, we have traveled the world, we have had no huge responsibilities and all I find myself doing is complaining that we cannot settle down. What is wrong with me? People dream of doing what we do.

Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and being with Dan, but I am ready for the next part of life. I'm ready to have children, to have a career, to pay off bills instead of accumulating loans. I never want to get too comfortable, but I want to know at least a bit of my future.

Anyway, my father-in-law's email was an encouragement to better my attitude and make a good impression on people so that they remember me as a positive, loving person and not the negative, hater that I've been.

Hospice Care

I am so excited to find out that my last clinicals in nursing school will be doing home health hospice care! This is one of the many areas that I'm interested in, so I'm so glad to get a taste of it before choosing a job.

Speaking of job searching, I have not begun and over half of my class have jobs. Dan doesn't find out about the Fulbright until June, so we're just waiting until time passes to figure out our future. I'm hoping to move to a warmer climate and hoping to get out of Cinci as quickly as possible.

Until then, I've chosen to have a good attitude and make the most of my time here. That is difficult, but thankfully God's grace is enough for me.