Reflecting

I have just been reflecting on why I would have suffered from insomnia the other night. One hour of sleep in unacceptable, but last night I was thankful to have slept through the night.

Dan decided to take me out to lunch today since I hadn't been out all week. When I say I haven't been out, I have not left the house since Sunday. Dan took me out for a nice cappuccino at Il Caffé di Roma and then a superior lunch at a place that brings out a pork steak with a magnificent cheese sauce. Wow, it was wonderful!

Yes, so I was thinking about this. School is running my life, but that is expected in grad school. Dan could sympathize with me, knowing that whenever you do anything that is not school, you have school hanging over your head. I have not even begun the final projects because I have not had time, yet I went out for coffee and lunch. How can I feel guilty for that? I shouldn't!

I have decided that I cannot work as hard as I have been. I am not being graded fairly anyway, and my life is suffering. I have had terrible stomach pains, insomnia, and crying episodes that are not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. My poor husband has to hear all about it because I have no one else to talk to.

I am going to try to do well, but not suffer life I have been. I don't know if I'm capable of submitting sub par work. I really do not want to, but my hand is forced with the amount of work that is expected of me.

Off I go...

Insomnia

How ironic that I've had I think my first bout of insomnia in my life, after studying and researching sleep disorders last week. I mean, there have been plenty of times where I tossed and turned, but I did not sleep until 5:30am (that was after getting up for an hour). I have never not slept in a night.

The stress is getting to me. No matter how much I try to sit back and look at the situation from an outsider's perspective, I am still overwhelmed. I have huge papers due weekly, and then I get criticized for style issues. I received an 80% on an assignment because I didn't answer everything that she wanted. It is suppose to be 3-5 pages, and all mine are 8-10 and I am penalized for not elaborating enough? Wow! What can I do with that? Not spend as many hours on my work! I spend hours researching journal articles and writing and get penalized because I used the word "like" (an unscholarly word)instead of "such as". Seriously? One week to write a 10 page polished paper?

Well, I'm repeating myself. Things aren't going smoothly, but they are going! I do not want to know the results of my essay format pharmacology exam. It was so difficult!

Multiple Choice Exams

Some people make fun of nurses taking multiple choice exams. Yes, it may be easier than writing an essay at times, but would you believe that they can actually be pretty challenging. See, nursing is not a black and white field like 2 + 2 = 4. Most of the time, two answers are correct and you have to pick the most correct for that situation.

I am a good test taker, but I study hard too. I found out that I will be taking an essay format exam for pharmacology because the professor is afraid that online students will cheat. I see her point, but I am the only person that cannot "attend" class, so I will be the only one taking an essay exam. I don't know how she'll grade it compared to the others, but I am not looking forward to writing for 90 mins about meds.

Oh well...I can only try and do my best.

Children

There is a huge part of me that desires children. I really want kids, especially when I see all my friends pregnant or see their cute kids. I've always wanted to be a mom, but my lack of experience with kids freaks me out in a terrible way.

Last night at church, my friend wanted me to teach the children English. Gypsies have their own culture, and kids are pretty much allowed to run wild. I do not know where they draw the line because most of the children are ignored.

In Sunday school, my friend is quite timid and shy and she just pulls them off one another when they brawl. Ha! I said "when" they brawl. Yes, 3-8 year olds are full fledge fist in the air, wresting on the ground, trying to kill one another. The worst are girls! One kids took his finger nails and scratch a kid's eyes and cheeks, and was bleeding. I did not know what to do!!! My lack of Spanish did not help, but I don't think knowing Spanish would have helped either!

The good part was that I had their attention for ~10 minutes and we sang songs in Spanish and English. The other good part, I can wait, at least until school is finished, to have children. There is no way that I have energy for this.

A crazy thing, my friend asked if I would like to help out with the children weekly and teach English. I said I did not have the energy, but that I'd try every other week. She is a saint! She takes peoples kids and does amazing things. I commend those people out there who can deal with other people's kids :)

Are my ulcers back

Back in the day, when I had no clue which way was up, I had stomach ulcers. I had wrestled with stomach issues on and off, but actually have been doing well this past year. For the past few days, I am so sick after eating and writhing in pain. Stress...that is all I can think. I'm not only talking Dan's ear off and feeling badly for it, I seem to be internalizing it as well.

Dan and I had a discussion about the possibility that I just cannot (probably) go to Andorra with him. I am so overwhelmed with not only my weekly papers, but major projects that are due as well. I seem to only have time for my weekly stuff that I am so overwhelmed with the project work. Andorra would take four days of travel time there and back. I will have an exam there and have 8 hrs of class to "make up". I just can't justify going, even though I'd love to go to another country.

One good thing...
My last posting mentioned a nurse who really jumped on me and I had Dan read her response and he thought she was the most narrow minded person. I can't get into all of what she wrote, but I felt justified that the prof wrote that she threw out debatable material and then praised me for a great discussion. I needed that. I'm shallow...yes, but it couldn't have come at a better time.

jumping on weakness

When I was younger, I never wanted anyone to think that I didn't know the answer to a question. I pretended to know a lot of things just for approval. Now I am much more confident to say "I don't know about ..."

Nurses have a tendency to "eat their young" or criticize each other, especially new nurses. Any vulnerability or weakness is jumped upon and ridiculed. I have a very hard time watching this (or being apart of it), especially because nursing is a field of caring.

I mentioned before that one of my classes is all about working, collaborating, and talking about specific things related to nursing. I mentioned that I like to be noticed for doing hard work and that I'm energized by that. A fellow group member (who is a nurse) jumped all over "me" saying that when she works, she acts as a patient advocate not for approval but because that is her duty. She furthered her statement with emotions that are not worth going into. I found myself reading these things and getting shaky and feeling unjustified. She doesn't know that I'm a hard worker. She doesn't know anything about me.

First of all, we are communicating on a discussion board which is very difficult if a person is emotional or doesn't consider how their message sounds. You can tell that some care and some do not. Secondly, if any "weakness" is expressed, there is a tendency for some of my group members to prove how great they are and how they are not like those who expressed a weakness. Thirdly, I do not even know why this effects me. Why do I care what a nurse thinks? Possibly because I'm a people pleaser?

Do I have to revert back to my old way of being...showing how much better I (think I)am than other people? Do I have to treat others like dirt if they express what I consider a weakness? Absolutely not! Will I continue to care? Probably, it's a part of my nature. As long as I do not live under other people criticisms I am okay. I really do not desire to be a people pleaser anymore. I need to be confident in myself, my family, my friends, and ultimately my God.

1 Thes 2: 3-6
For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else.

Wide open windows

The past two days were so sunny, that we had the front room windows open. The breeze was still quite chilly, not quite reaching 60. Today it is cloudy, but a bit warmer without wind, so I have the house completely opened up to dry it out a bit.

A few days ago we discovered mold growing on our closet walls. We are thankful to have 3 huge bedroom closets, but the wall of the two we use are covered in mold and mildew. We used to close them because they stayed so cold, but now we have them drying out so I can clean them.

I know the US is currently getting hit by a deep freeze. I miss my family and friends in WI and MN, but I can truly say I don't miss 0 as a high! My Cincinnatian friends are suffering as well with temperature under 0. Crazy!

I sure hope it warms up soon in the Extremadura. 50 is okay, but 75 would be better.

NY & DC

Last night I was so exhausted and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Dan and I were awakened by a text message from our Portuguese friend who said that there was a plane crash in NY. It was almost like reliving the twin towers experience for a split second. Dan grabbed my ipod and looked for the news. As everyone knows by now, it was a "regular" plane crash and not an act of terrorism. I am thankful that everyone was safe and hats off to the pilot.

The other buzz around town is the inauguration. I'm really surprised that people here care about the inauguration. I have to say I've never watched a full one, but I do enjoy seeing the highlights. I'm not sure how busy I'll be on Tuesday, but thankfully with CNN video, I'll be able to see the parts that I'm interested in.

In other US news, I don't know who's playing in the super bowl, but I do know that Jennifer Hudson is singing the National Anthem and Faith Hill is singing America the Beautiful. Hopefully they'll have those recorded so I can watch.

2 out of 12

Well, today was my second day of running since the new year. Yup, 2 times out of 12. Oh my lungs hurt. I just can't make myself get out in the cold. Today was in the 50s, so it was okay. I'm ready for warm again!

School may taper a bit for me. Group projects stress me out, but I don't have one in a while, so I'm on my own! The thing that is a killer, is researching particular articles to answer questions and write papers. It never ends! It takes hours to find good articles. It seems I read 5 for every good one that I find. I suppose I can only get better at it.

Aculturation Part 2

So a couple of days ago I wrote about my bus fare purchase and how things went awry. Dan wanted me to go to the post office that day as well, but I refused, knowing that things would go awry there as well. I laughed at myself, knowing that the post office would be fine, but I didn't want to take the chance.

Yesterday, Dan and I wanted to get out and enjoy the sun, so we went to the post office. There was one other customer (perfect timing) and we walk up to the counter. Dan doesn't even say anything and the lady looks at the letters addressed to the US. Dan said he wanted those 4 letters stamped and to buy 10 more.
Lady, "We don't have these."
Dan, "we were just in here last week and got some, and I bought them at a tobacco stand. You don't have them?"
Lady, "we've never had them."
Dan looks at her.
She asks the other co-worker if they have stamps. The co-worker looks at her puzzled and says, "yes, a lot!" and she proceeded to take the biggest stack of stamps out of her drawer and she finishes our purchase.

I never laughed so hard (when I got outside). I pushed Dan and told him that I KNEW something like that would have happened to me, but I wouldn't have been able to say anything, and it would have been so busy that I would have never gotten my stamps.

All and all...I love Spain! No, I like the memories we are creating!

Quitting

I've been working on a group project that just started. We only had a few days to gather our info and present it to the group and the group leader will spend this weekend preparing a presentation for the class. It took me hours to research and I had to write 2 papers about specific topics, in one day. The first was good, but definitely not polished. The second was horrendous, but had all the information available for the group to use.

The professor monitors our contribution and grades us accordingly. She took my second piece and critiqued it. Unfortunately, I felt picked on, and I burst out in tears and couldn't sleep. I wrote her an email and she said she was only trying to help, but that she would save her "help" for the final project.

I am now concerned because I was being over emotional, but what am I being graded on? Content? Style? It's very hard to produce good work in one day.

I said I was going to take on a new attitude, but school is not helping me at all. I would love to quit, but I really believe that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Dec is 12 months away. I can do this with God's grace. I must continuously run to His throne. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! I will pass and graduate in Dec!

Aculturation

Dan works at a warehouse that is a bus ride and mile walk away. He called me this morning and told me to buy 20 bus fairs because ticket prices are going up soon. I decide that this is a day to "mingle" with the Spaniards, even though I have way too much school work to do already.

I get to the bus station (which is not even a block away from our flat) and ask the woman inside that I want to buy 20 rides. She said that I had to do that on the bus. I was confused, but went to the bus. My Spanish is horrible, but I told him I did not want to ride now, just buy 20 rides. He was mad and confused and of course charged me a ride, even though I said no viaje ahora 10 times. He said I had to buy them in the station. I go back to the helpful lady and she said no charging here, but then got me another card (which cost 2 extra euros) and charged the other with 10 rides on the bus that I had just gotten off of. I was so annoyed and frustrated that I couldn't speak Spanish.

I called Dan to tell him about my experience and said I refused to go to the post office because I can't deal with more stress than I already have. He said I needed to go but I said NO. He said that he got yelled at by the bus driver for buying 20 rides, but he did recharged it anyway. I ask Dan, "so why did you put me into a situation where you already got yelled at?" He apologized, but I guess it leaves a story to laugh at later...much later after I calm down!

Ugghh. :P

It's official!

Yes, it's official, I'm stressed. I can't believe it is only day two and I'm stressed! I have to summarize Freud's developmental theory and then apply it to nursing. Wikipedia is a great summarizer, but not reliable and I definitely can't use them as a source, but I cannot for the life of me find a journal that summarizes him. 3 hours so far on journal searching. Am I an idiot?

First Day!

Yes, it's officially the first day of classes for winter quarter. I spent the day reading and reading and reading. My classes still are not completely organized, but I've decided that I cannot panic over everything that is out of my control, because (big epiphany here) everything is out of my control!

So, after looking at the freshly posted syllabus, I noticed that three professors were teaching a class, but I only knew of one. I was in contact with her since August, because it takes awhile for me to get books to Spain. Well, the class was developing, but in November she told me the two books to get. Yay! As I read the syllabus, it has four listed. I was a bit annoyed, contacted the professors and told them that I was unaware of the other two and that it would be troublesome to get the books, but I'd order them right away and I needed their understanding. I get a pat answer reply that says to order them on Amazon.com. Oh well. She was trying to be helpful, but she didn't quite read my email. Anyway, it is out of my hands, I did what I could, and the quarter is starting at full steam.

Wednesdays will be my long days. I'm in class all day till 11 pm. Ick! I only have four classes because I dropped the one I didn't need. I really wanted to take the class because it would allow me to write prescriptions, but it would be way too much make up work for an already overloaded summer.

So, it seems that my complaining is back. I will try to end this tone from now on. 2009 is a new year and I intend to have a positive attitude like days of ol'. I miss the young, naive Alicia. She was a happy little thing. Maybe it will be sunny tomorrow...that would help!

starting again

I was getting bored, yes...it's true, so I decided to start my reading for class. Ugghh. I cannot concentrate. I want a nap despite not needing a nap after a very restful sleep. I hope this quarter does not drag on because it seems my brain is on a permanent vacation.

Rebajas

Yes, it's the after Christmas sale and I thought I'd shop this morning to avoid the crowds...wha whaaa. Everyone seems to be off today. I swear the Spanish never work. The stores were so crowded and everyone pushes...just not enjoyable.

I did get some accessories at a cute accessory store for a great deal! I'm not very good at picking these things out, but the stuff is so cute, I could buy out the entire store (except the punk stuff).

Dan is very patient with me when we shop. He wants me to buy stuff, but I just didn't see anything that I liked for the price I wanted. Maybe later.

Even though it's been rainy, the weather has been in the 60s and is quite comfortable despite the dampness. It's difficult trying to dry my clothes inside because it is damp as well, but the heaters are helping.

I'm feeling a bit of stress from school. Only one of my profs has posted the syllabus and the others talk about how the classes are online and so nothing is organized. I don't understand that, but maybe I'm too uptight. Soon I will have to buckle down and start my reading for classes. I decided to audit one class that I do not need, but I'm thinking of dropping it all together because it will help lighted the load a bit and I'll be able to enjoy our trip to Andorra a bit more.

Yes, we are going to Andorra. It's a country...who knew? The Spanish Fulbrighters are meeting there and I know I would never take a trip there, so it's a good experience. Until then...it's a day at a time.

New Years 2009

New Years Eve started with Dan making tortilla de patatas. Yumm! We broke open our first little bottle of Cava (Spanish Champagne) and toasted to a good evening and a new year.

Dan wanted to check out what was going on in the town, but since it was chilly and drizzling, nobody was out and opted to go back to a "warm" home. Disappointing...

Well, we made the most of it. We watched a movie that brought us to 11:55pm, so we went into the living room, turned on the tv, and there stood the Madridian folks awaiting the New Year. Yes, we caught it in time and had more Cava as the "ball" dropped in Puerta del Sol.

2009 is pretty joyous! I will turn 30, I will hopefully graduate (along with Dan), and maybe I will get a job. We will see, but those are only the longer-term goals.

May God bless you and may you be ever present of His glorious works!